Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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