I looked at my own cervix.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize