if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
