did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
