The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
