True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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