I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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