Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
