somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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