When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
