It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
