Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
