I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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