I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
