Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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