I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
