I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
