Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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