you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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