I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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