yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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