guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
