I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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