I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
