alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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