We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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