someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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