So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
