It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
