I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
