I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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