It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
