there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
