this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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