We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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