I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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