Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize