i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it because I queefed?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
