Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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