And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
soo... how was my night?
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