I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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