Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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