Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
