are you so shy because you have an std?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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