Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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