All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We left an ass print on the piano.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize