It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize