In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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