Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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