I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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