Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
