I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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