I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
