Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
