Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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