so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
