we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize