You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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