got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
