yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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