my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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