What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
